Man versus Shredder
by isabellsah cullen
Summary: One of the Merry Men confronts his fears. Babe.


**A/N: **A silly one shot in response to the gauntlet Danielle threw down on Babe Squad regarding fears. Don't take it seriously. I don't like shredders myself. Babe. Not beta'd. Warnings for bad language and mild violence. Rated PG16+. Janet Evanovich owns the characters and books.

I wasn't going to post it here, but a fellow Babe asked me to. From now on I'll be posting all new stories on FictionPad first - you can find the link on my profile.

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**Man versus Shredder  
**by Sasha

Caesar sat behind his desk in his brand spanking new office, fidgeting with his black silk tie. _The stupid thing was way too tight around his neck. Who the fuck invented ties, anyway? What was their fucking purpose? Sure, they were effective when you wanted to strangle someone. But how often did you need to kill a co-worker? Not that often that it necessitated wearing the stupid thing every damn day! _He straightened his dark slate grey suit jacket and smoothed down the front of his grey button down shirt. _And why the fuck did I agree to this job? Was I fucking crazy? I liked working the streets, not working a desk. Oh yeah. Because of the fucking money. Ranger knew just how to push my buttons. Speaking of Ranger._

Caesar's head shot up as he heard nearly silent footsteps approach. He focused his gaze on his open door. Ranger swiftly appeared in the doorway, dressed in his own black on black tailored suit combination. Caesar watched as Ranger scanned the office and then inspected Caesar himself, giving a nod of approval.

"How'd you manage to fit all this shit in your cubicle?" Ranger asked, stepping into the room and nudging a stack of large brown boxes with the toe of his expensive Italian leather shoes. There were eight boxes in total.

"Didn't."

Ranger raised an eyebrow at Caesar.

"Used a storage room," Caesar explained as his palms grew damp and he started sweating.

Ranger's eyes narrowed. Caesar was nervous about something. His heart rate was elevated, breathing was rapid and shallow and sweat was forming on his brow. _What was he hiding_? Ranger focused his eyes down at the boxes and glanced back up at Caesar.

"What's in the boxes?" Ranger demanded quietly, taking another step into the room so he could swing the door shut behind him and give them some privacy. He watched Caesar swallow nervously and dart his gaze around the room.

Caesar knew he was panicking. He couldn't help it. Fears weren't always rational. "Stuff."

Ranger's gaze darkened dangerously. "What's in the boxes, Soldier?"

Caesar broke eye contact.

"Don't make me ask again," Ranger warned softly.

Shivers of awareness and something close to fear traveled down Caesar's spine. "Shredding!" he blurted out quickly. "It's my fucking shredding, man." He all but collapsed back into his chair and wiped a shaking hand over his face. _He could use, manipulate and work with any other piece of technology on the planet, but a simple fucking mechanical machine was his downfall. It was practically pathetic._

Ranger blinked once, surprised, and surveyed the room again. Caesar had started working for him at age twenty four. He was now twenty nine. _That was five fucking years of shredding. _"Explain."

"I fucking hate shredding, man."

"You hate shredding?"

"I'm scared of the shredding machine!" Caesar growled.

Ranger paused, considering. "Why?"

"_Why?_"

"Yes. Why are you frightened of an inanimate object?"

"Cause, man. It's fucking dangerous. An accident waiting to happen! All those sharp moving blades." Caesar shivered and shook his head.

"Caesar. You're an ex-Marine and an ex-Army Ranger. This is unacceptable. You are going to conquer this fear," Ranger ordered, hands on hips.

Caesar shook his head back and forth frantically. "Fuck, Ranger. No way."

"If you know the enemy and you know yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred battles."

"Don't quote The Art of War at me, man. I've got that shit memorized," Caesar snorted. _Thanks to Ranger. It was a Rangeman requirement to read Sun Tzu._ _Ranger had a real hard on for that shit. Hell, he practically lived, breathed and slept, 'Be extremely mysterious even to the point of soundlessness.' Two could play that game though. _"He who knows when he can fight and when he cannot, will be victorious." _I sure as hell knew I couldn't fight this battle._

"You have to believe in yourself."

_Damn him and his motivational crap. _"I'm still not doing it, boss."

"What is the Ranger creed?" Ranger wondered.

"Shit, Ranger. Don't make me say it."

"Sounds like you need a refresher."

"No I don't."

"Do I need to remind you then, that surrender is not a Ranger word?"

Caesar blew out a sigh. _Ranger was landing the low blows. _"Can't I just delegate it to someone else now?"

"You need to set the example."

_Yeah. That's what I thought he'd say. After all, Ranger's lead the way. _"Okay, I'll get started on it later."

Ranger eyes narrowed at Caesar again. _Shit. Ah well, it was worth a try._

"You will start _now_," Ranger said. "Grab a box and follow me."

Resignedly, Caesar stood and picked up a box, before following Ranger out into the hall. He hung his head as he trailed behind, heading into the photocopy room that serviced the fifth floor. Ranger closed the door behind them and turned to face Caesar. "Confronting fears head-on is an effective way of beating them. You can do this."

Caesar stared down intimidatingly at the industrial sized office shredder. _It all came down to this. Do or die. Man versus shredder, the age old battle. You got this, Caesar. You will conquer. _Caesar listened intently as Ranger ran through how to use the shredder, when to use the reverse button, how to empty the bag, and how to unblock a jam. Everything was committed to memory.

"Open the box, and grab out a small stack of papers," Ranger ordered.

Caesar ripped open the lid of the box and pulled out a stack of roughly twenty sheets and held them out to Ranger. Ranger raised an eyebrow, and tilted his head towards the shredder. Caesar swallowed bravely and marched right up to the shredder and fed the paper into the slot. It was gone within five seconds. Caesar's chest expanded with pride. _I'd done it. I actually fucking done it. Take that you shredding piece of shit. Who's your daddy? I am!_

Ranger patted Caesar on the back firmly. "Good work, Soldier. Carry on."

Caesar grinned maliciously at the shredder. _This wasn't scary, this was fun! _He quickly demolished the first box of shredding and jogged back to his office for a second one. He was halfway through the third box when it happened. He leant a little too far over the shredder and his tie got caught in the feeder. Caesar's blood froze as the machine jerked him forward, steadily munching away at his tie. _Fuck, fuck, fuck!_ He gripped the knot of his tie and tried to fight against the pull of the machine. It was just too strong.

"Oh _fuck!_" _I was running out of tie!_ _What would happen when it got to my neck? _

In a panic, he ripped his movement inhibiting jacket off and lifted his foot up on top of the shredder, frantically grasping for his emergency knife that was strapped to his ankle. His shoe fell off onto the shredder just as he managed to grab the knife. In one swift movement, he slit his tie, falling back heavily on his ass. He glowered at the shredder and then realized both his jacket and shoe were stuck in the feeder and were slowly getting eaten. Jumping to his feet, he braced himself against the machine and yanked at his jacket forcefully.

"Fuck you! You fucking piece of shit. You will not get the better of me!" he bellowed, giving one almighty tug and freeing what was left of his jacket. The bottom third was completely in tatters. _My brand new fucking suit!_ He glared at the shredder and made a grab for his new black shoe that was being eaten at a much slower rate. No matter how hard he pulled, he couldn't free his shoe. _This calls for drastic measures. _Caesar retrieved his gun off his belt and opened fire.

"Die you bastard! Die! Die!" he roared, emptying his clip into the machine.

It started smoking, gave one last whirring noise, and finally fell silent. Caesar was breathing hard as he wrenched his mutilated shoe out of the shredder. Only half of it remained.

"Fuck you. Fuck your whole family! Retreat, _hell_!" Caesar shouted, giving the machine one last kick for good measure. Then he remembered he wasn't wearing his shit kickers, but his loafers. His big toe made a crunching sound on impact. _Fuck!_

Caesar staggered out of the photocopy room, gun in hand, tattered jacket over his shoulder, half a shoe on his foot, his socked enclosed toes sticking out of the front. Every man on the floor seemed to be crowded into the hallway, gawking at him. Ranger pushed through to the front of the crowd and stared at Caesar in disbelief. _He looked like he'd been through a war zone_.

"Shredder's broken," Caesar muttered before collapsing face first onto the floor in a dead faint.

"I told you the automatic shut off was faulty," Stephanie said, looking down at Caesar with pity. Her hair had gotten stuck in the shredder last week. That was why she was sporting a new short haircut._ But no-one needed to know that, it was embarrassing enough that Ranger knew about it. It was kind of hard to hide something like that from your husband though._

"Babe." He pressed a gentle his to her forehead, silently apologizing for her forced haircut. _I'd make it up to her tonight, again. Maybe tomorrow night too. Hell, why not every night?_

Stephanie bent down to smooth out Caesar's disheveled hair. _Poor guy. I knew the humiliation that came with being bested by the shredder. Only I was lucky that I didn't have to deal with everyone else knowing too. Caesar would never live this down._ "You owe Caesar hazard pay," she muttered.

"Caesar owes me a new shredder." Ranger turned away from the crowd and moved silently back to his office.

When his door shut, he allowed the smile to stretch across his face. He'd sent his Babe in to destroy that shredder last week; she was death on cars so he'd thought it would be an effective means of disposing of other objects. Unfortunately, she'd been unsuccessful. In an unrelated matter, Lester had in passing mentioned to him Caesar's fear of the shredder after he helped Caesar move into his new office. Caesar had been more effective than Ranger ever could have dreamed.

_Take that you fucking shredder. No one messes with Mañoso's tie and gets away with it._

_**The end.**_


End file.
